Rebuilding After Infidelity

Few marital problems cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity, which undermines the foundation of marriage itself. However, when both spouses are committed to authentic healing, most marriages survive and many marriages become stronger with deeper levels of intimacy.

Infidelity is a tale as old as time. This form of betrayal exacts a significant toll on a couple’s relationship and often emerges as the symptom of a larger disease: disconnection. Yet, despite its prevalence, infidelity continues to be a widely misunderstood phenomenon.

Why affairs happen

Many factors can contribute to infidelity, and most aren't fundamentally about sex. Some common reasons include:

• Lack of affection

• Loss of fondness and caring for each other

• Breakdown of communication related to emotional and relationship needs

• Physical health issues, such as chronic pain or disability

• Mental health issues including depression, anxiety, ADD, learning disabilities or bipolar disorder

• Addiction, including addiction to sex, gambling, drugs or alcohol

• Unaddressed marital problems that have been building for years

Affairs can be viewed as the warning light that flashes on a car’s dashboard; it indicates the presence of a leak or larger problem that needs attention. Just as with cars, it is by becoming aware of the underlying issues that precipitated the affair (and implementing corrective strategies) that couples can begin to rebuild their relationships.

When partners begin to pull away from one another (whether it be emotionally, sexually, or both), the potential for an affair to occur increases. With the natural stressors that accompany any relationship, recurrent conflict can become the wedge that drives couples apart. In an attempt to rekindle this connection, one partner may turn to a third party.

An affair is a cataclysmic event in a couple’s relationship. For the betrayed partner, the initial response may include anger, sadness, pain, and humiliation. These symptoms closely mimic post-traumatic stress disorder and can even linger long after the infidelity was discovered. Despite this, it is possible for couples to rebuild and move forward.

Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum; therefore, a necessary step to rebuilding after an affair is for both partners to commit to preserving the relationship. In order to do so, the betrayed partner will need to determine if they are able to forgive. This act is crucial to the long-term functioning of the relationship.

Following an affair, the betrayed partner experiences a rocking of their world and may be left wondering, ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ Although recovering from infidelity poses many hurdles, it does not necessarily mean that a couple’s relationship is doomed.

In returning to the car metaphor, an affair is often the flashing light that says, ‘Help, our relationship can no longer continue this way!’ When faced with the discovery of infidelity, couples will need to determine if they want to look under the hood (see where the leak began and make the necessary repairs) or choose to throw in the towel.

In jointly making the decision to work on the relationship, a good first step is seeking couple’s therapy and examining where cracks developed in the foundation. These cracks are often the result of destructive patterns of interaction.

Consider these steps to promote healing:

Take some time.

Before choosing to continue or end of the marriage, take the time to heal and understand what was behind the affair. This is not a decision to make at the height of their emotional struggles.

Seeking professional help with a counselor who specializes in marital therapy can be invaluable. Learn the lessons that might prevent future problems.

Be accountable.

The unfaithful partner has to take responsibility for their actions. It is imperative, as difficult as it might be, to end the affair and stop all interaction or communication with the person.

If the affair involved a co-worker, limit contact strictly to business or the partner needs to get another job.

Get help from different sources. Seek the help of nonjudgmental, understanding friends, experienced spiritual leaders or a trained counselor. All self-help books are not equally helpful. Seek advice about additional reading from a professional.

Consult a marriage counselor. Seek help from a licensed therapist who is specifically trained in marital therapy and experienced in dealing with infidelity.

Marriage counseling can help put the affair into perspective, identify issues that might have contributed to the affair, learn how to rebuild and strengthen your relationship, and avoid divorce — if that's the mutual goal.

Restore trust.

Make a plan that will restore trust and result in reconciliation. Agree on a timetable and process. The unfaithful partner has to admit guilt and pursue authentic forgiveness. Together, the couple will seek understanding.

If the couple are committed to healing the relationship in spite of all the suffering and pain that might be present, the reward can be a new type of marriage that will continue to grow and likely exceed any of their previous expectations.