Your Love Language & Your Sex Life

The "The 5 Love Languages," written by Dr. Gary Chapman, was published in the late '90s. Chapman studied linguistics, which led him to develop the concept that individuals speak different "love languages" in their relationships.

After studying relationships for years, he discovered that many couples in turmoil could benefit from understanding their partner's specific love language—they could become more conscious and aware of each other's needs on a day-to-day basis.

“Love can be expressed and received in all five languages,” he explains. “However, if you don't speak a person's primary love language, that person will not feel loved, even though you may be speaking the other four.”

Each love language has its own "needs" that, when not perceived by a partner, can cause misunderstandings or resentment in a relationship. Chapman explains that “once you are speaking his or her primary love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four and they will be like icing on the cake.”

Identifying with your partner's love language can also make a significant impact on sex and intimacy. Because sex is such a purely physical and instinctual act, we don’t often focus on how we “speak” our own profound sexual language. However, understanding our love language can empower us to know what we seek from intimate moments with our partner.

There are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

We, of course, have a combination of all five, and some resonate more or less during different seasons of life. However, your dominant love language is how you best give and receive love, and its something that can help spark intimacy in your relationship. Once you have discovered your and your partner's dominant love languages, it's incredible how much it can help you understand each other better.

Take this quiz to identify your most spoken love language, and then read on to see what each one means for your sex life.

Receiving Gifts:

Gift-giving is how someone with this dominant love language feels loved and conveys love. It can be as simple as their partner bringing them flowers or taking birthday/holiday gift-giving seriously. When it comes to sex, gift-giving can look like offering to help awaken intimacy.

Maybe once a month, you and your partner give gifts related to exploring types of intimacy—a massage oil, a new piece of lingerie, or an aphrodisiac herbal supplement like this one. Talk to your partner about incorporating gifting into your sex life. Have fun learning and exploring new desires through the act of giving!

Words of Affirmation:

Of course, we all enjoy it when people say sweet things to us. But for some of us, words can make or break how loved we feel. If this is your or your partner's love language, communication is especially important (though it's essential in every relationship).

When it comes to sex, words of affirmation can be useful for making you and your partner feel sexy, loved, and trusted. Being present with your partner—without distractions—creates an environment that allows for sincere conversation. Carve out a space for intimacy and practice reciting all of the things you love about each other, or the things the other person does that sparks sexual arousal. Someone with this love language may also benefit from incorporating tantric sex or conscious sex in the bedroom.

Acts Of Service:

This language is similar to gift-giving in that there is an emphasis on spontaneous physical acts. These acts translate into feeling loved and cared for. For someone with this love language, when their partner does chores around the house or runs an errand they didn't have time for, it gives them a sense of trust and satisfaction.

Because this love language is somewhat more practical versus physical, the ways that it might translate into intimacy or sex may be making sure the house is tidy before going into the bedroom or that your partner's to-do list is checked off. An acts-of-service-person may also favor receiving foreplay from their partner to help them ease into a more passionate state of arousal.

Quality Time:

Every relationship needs quality time, but for someone with this dominant love language, making quality time a priority will dictate how loved they may feel.

Quality time for someone with this love language means taking time to go on walks with one another, watching movies together, or turning off all distractions and just being together.

When it comes to sex, someone who speaks this language will need quality time to feel aroused. If their partner is distracted, or if their schedules conflict, so they haven't spent much time together, chances are they will not feel that sexual spark. For people with this love language, "Netflix and chill" can be satisfying and enough to ignite feelings of intimacy. Simply being with one another allows quality-time-dominant people to feel cared for. In turn, they can relax enough to feel comfortable to initiate sex.

Physical Touch:

Last but not least, this language is probably the most directly connected to the "physical" act of having sex. If physical touch is your love language, your partner going out of their way to hold hands, kiss, and touch your skin can make a huge impact on how loved you feel. Sex may be one of the most important ways love is exchanged in your relationship and, without it, you may feel unfulfilled.

Try experimenting with tantric sex or creative ways of incorporating sex into a daily or weekly basis. It will help bring those with this love language closer to their partner. Using gentle touch and creative positions to help inspire deeper physical experience is equally important.